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Rants: Jerry Della Femina Wants his Main Beach Fireworks

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[Jerry's targets; Center photo courtesy NYT]
East Hampton's favorite restauranteur/curmudgeon Jerry Della Femina got particularly curmudgeonly in his column in The Independent this week. The former ad-man is tired of this rain, pissed at Bernie Madoff, angry at an 'overweight' cop, and had it up to here with Michael Jackson. Somehow, all of these things are to blame for the fact that Main Beach will not have any fireworks this year. Jerry is 'in a lousy mood', and all hell is about to break loose.

Quoth Jerry on the weather of late: "So here we are at the Fourth of July and chances are the only reason you're reading my pathetic column is because it's raining outside and you're not talking to your spouse."..."If I die this year I vow to come back and haunt my favorite weatherman, Sam Champion."

On Montauk's own Bernie Madoff: "Put him in with the Unabomber, or make him O.J. Simpson's bitch in some decrepit prison in Nevada."

On a 'nasty, overweight cop' who issued his daughter a ticket: "But Dick Tracy – the emphasis is on Dick – gave them a ticket for having an unleashed dog and then issued them a second ticket for endangering the plovers."..."If my family is issued a ticket for a harmless Labradoodle puppy sleeping 50 feet from the plover cage in the middle of the afternoon, then I demand Patrolman Dick be stationed in front of the plover cage all night long to protect the little plover bastards from being eaten by nighttime predators like raccoons and possums."

On Michael Jackson: "The good news is he's dead."

On fireworks: "Meantime, take your kids to Main Beach in East Hampton this Saturday night and gaze at the dark sky. Tell your children that this town used to have fireworks and we all celebrated being Americans."

Some of you might remember Jerry's past fights with the town. One year it was about pumpkin display, and more recently, his crusade has targeted the piping plovers, endangered birds who have prevented fireworks on East Hampton's Main Beach for a number of Fourth of Julys in a row. JDF likes his holidays, and no plovers, cops, crooks, singers or weathermen will stop him.
· Jerry's Ink: I'm in a Lousy Mood [The Independent]